Chapter Three, The Rest...

Of course, it wasn’t very long before the King of the Wood Elves and his hunters found us. I knew he was the king because he had a crown of leaves and berries (it being autumn and all) on his head.

"Why are you in my forest, and why have you disturbed not only my people's feasting, but the repose of every creature in this forest with that awful racket?" he demanded.

I bowed as best I could. "Your Majesty," I said. "We were conveyed into your magnificent forest by means of a subway train from Union Station. We are only trying to return to our own world so that we might finish our practice for the charity concert we are playing in this evening."

"In how many years is that concert?" the king asked angrily.

"It's this evening, Your Majesty," I said, understanding neither the question nor his anger.

"You'd better hope that you're here for a while. Years, or maybe even decades. I estimate it'll take you that long to learn to play a C scale in tune," he said. "Now I suppose since you're lost, you're going to ask for help. And since you're from another world, you have no wealth with which to reward that help..."

"I have my rock," Drew said. "Isn't it shiny?"

The king noticed the rock for the first time. He peered at it closely. "There are moon letters written on this stone, though maybe your eyes cannot... Wait. That's Elrond's line, and it referred to the map those short hairy people were carrying a while back. The rock's interesting though. Come with me. I'll put you up for this evening, while I take a look at this rock and ponder what is so special about it."

I have to say that the elf king put on a good spread. We had roast venison and braised lamb chops and potatoes roasted with garlic and rosemary (who didn't much like being roasted, but that's another story.) Apple pie and ice cream and Black Forest Cake (still trying to figure that one out, as the Black Forest is in Germany, not Middle Earth) and the most delicious corn on the cob I've ever had. Round it all out with music, dancing under the stars, and decent conversation (Drew was occupied with telling her life story to a hapless elf warrior with mighty thews), and it turned out to be one heck of an evening.

"Where's Legolas?" I asked the king when he came over to ensure that I was well wined and dined.

"You do know your elves, don't you young..."

"Mary Sue," I supplied.

"Mary Sue. Isn’t that what writers derisively call a character who’s simply the author in disguise?“

I shrugged. “So what if it is?” I retorted. “So far this whole story is reminding me of a bad NaNo novel as it is. Now, we were talking about Legolas…”

“Yes, yes. Well, you know that my son pranced the length and breadth of Middle Earth with his short hairy friend. Well, eventually, they built a boat and sailed into the west."

"I thought you'd done that too," I said.

"I did. You know something? A place with no evil to conquer, a finished place with everything created that can ever be, a place where everyone plays in tune, a place where every desire of your heart is met..."

"That's most people's definition of Heaven," I said.

"I don't know about Heaven," the king said. "I do know it was boring as Hell after a while. I tried to pick a fight with Galadriel, but no dice. Which reminds me, no gambling, no drinking to excess, no viola playing..."

"You're right," I said. "It's Hell. So you came back?"

"With most of the elves who went with me in the first place. We'd rather live as a rustic, unknown people in a land ruled by humans than be bored beyond eternity in the Blessed Realm."

I nodded in sympathy. I understood, perhaps all to well, what he was trying to say to me. Middle Earth was my idea of Heaven. No nuclear weapons, environmental degradation was, if not extinct, surely more manageable than back home. No McDonald's to clog up the 'ole arteries, no rising with the alarm clock rather than the sun.

No Frank, no animal crackers that needed saving. No kids. No dirty diapers.

I closed my eyes and sighed. "All my life, I've dreamed of coming to Middle Earth. But now that I'm here, I know it's not for me. I don't belong, and I have too much to do back home. Too many people I love who need me. So how do I get back?"

"You should have said 'we'," the king said. "For you cannot go back without your companions. And you need the rock and the viola. The rock, as part of the physical being of your home world, is the link that will keep you from crossing over completely. If you use it properly, it will bring you home. With the viola, you must conquer the ultimate evil that seeks to keep you from going home."